• Mattie Stu

Do Superheroes Suck?



I'm not sure how many people reading this right now are superhero fans since my YouTube channel is mostly to do with Star Wars, but hey, you are reading this after all. Anyway, I thought I would bring to you something I wrote in my spare time, and by spare time I mean the "study" class of my sixth year at high school. I actually never did study in the "study" classes, which is probably why I keep putting the word study in quotations. It was a ginormous waste of precious time, if I'm being honest, but I was able to write a third of a "novel", which will hit shelves soon, and by soon I mean never. I hope none of my former teachers are reading this right now, but if they are: I swear I studied and all that academical jazz! Right, now that we've totally gotten away with that one, let's look at my opinion on superheroes from 2013, when I was about 16. I do have to warn you, my opinion has changed slightly since then, so don't hate me too much!

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's... Moth Man?!

So DC have Batman and Marvel have Spiderman, to add to this animal crossover, the heads of DC must have said: "Here, we need to add a moth at some stage!" They all would have shaken their heads, and now we have Killer Moth, who is like other moths, just kills a lot more humans. I ignorantly have no idea what his backstory is and how he effects the DC universe in any way. Maybe he was classically bitten by a moth and got some of the insect's cool powers, like flight and annoyance... If he was bit by a moth he doesn't deserve life, when I'm annoyed with a moth I'm the one more likely to bite. He could be half-man half-moth, or something ridiculous like that. More likely, he was just a guy fired from Walmart and wanted to take out his dying frustration on Batman. Since moths have a never-ending quest to attach themselves to lights, I guess the only "bad" thing he could do would be to bathe in the light of the Bat-Signal, leaving the Dark Knight guessing when Gotham needed him.

It's not just moths that annoy me, I just dislike the whole superhero "thing". Why are there so many? I can count about eight billion on Marvel's side alone. The two companies milk everything they can from each franchise, making unneeded and really bad films that pass as "meh" at best, which leads to a reboot, continuing the cycle. They always don't make sense, defying the laws of physics and that other thing, what's it called... Logic! The 'Man of Steel' gets annoyed with a guy in a bar, so rather than fighting him, which would expose his alien powers, he goes outside and smashes his truck, which totally wouldn't expose alien powers. Also, how come no one saw Superman doing the deed? You can imagine a kid asking their daddy: "why is there a man flying in the sky, smashing about trucks?" And the father replying: "For Pete's sake, Timmy! It's 2013, get over it!" I also have to point out the annoying fact that sometimes the superheroes discover their suit and it perfectly fits them. Only if real life were like this, I wouldn't need to return Christmas clothing! Oh, and they all join their little groups, with DC having the "Justice League" and Marvel having "The Avengers". This just annoys me more as, in their stand alone films, superheroes never get help from their buddies. Thor should just say: "Hulk, you big bogey, why didn't you help me in my time of need? Demigods are not super awesome all the time!" I wonder: if the Wolverine signed up to the Avengers, would he get a free Avengers mug for joining? I'm sorry, but I had to make this joke: "Wolverine, don't tell anyone of our club, we need to keep it 'Loki'!"

Admittedly, superheroes can be cool, I'll probably end up buying the Lego Marvel game. I'm sure everyone when they were younger pretended to be a superhero and made up their own power. If I had to make up an insane origin story, I would say that I fall into a misplaced lava lake, and rather than doing the normal thing and die, I would be gifted with the ability to shoot lava fire-balls from my rectum. Think of all the great uses for such an ability. If I had to pick a superhero to love, I'd pick Batman. He's pretty awesome with his 60-cigarettes-a-day voice and his dope utility belt. He has to be the most believable superhero since he has no powers, just wealth. Even though his flying ship is a bit over the top, he's still no unbelievable alien. You may think I'm being a hypocrite, hating superheroes but loving the "oh so believable" Star Wars. Well, I love Star Wars and such because they don't have any involvement with Earth, they are in their own galaxy. Maybe I'm sounding racist, but if all the superheroes left Earth then I'd possibly like them more.

Just to show how easy it is to come up with a superhero villain, I'll make one up. His name is 'Chameleon Guy'. He can change colour to match his surroundings, and he enters with the music Karma Chameleon. You know what? That is actually a good idea! I best be off now to patent the crap out of it! So yeah, superheroes can be cool, but they're just not that great, and sometimes they fight moths. Maybe if I give Batman the number for pest control he can sort out the little f****r! I may also give him a soother... You'd think with all that fame and fortune he'd buy his own, typical!

Back to Reality

As I said before, my opinion on superheroes has changed, and yes, I did buy the Lego Marvel game. I actually like and appreciate them a lot more now, I have to pinch myself everyday! I'm a changed man, I really am. For example, every week I watch the new episode of Gotham, a series which I immensely like. I've also been getting more into superhero films as well, watching the likes of the Dark Knight trilogy. But I'm not going to watch the new Batman V Superman film as it's apparently dogs**t!

#Superheroes #Marvel #DC #Comics #TheCancrizans

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