• Mattie Stu

Star Wars Top 10: Worst Merchandise

Disney bought the rights to Star Wars back in 2012 for a whopping $4.05 billion, and there’s a reason why: the franchise is a license to print money! Not only do the movies gross billions in their own right, but a huge chunk of revenue comes from merchandise sales. So, with that being said, Star Wars merch must be pretty awesome, right? Well, most of it is… MOST being the key word there. For some reason, absolutely clueless and frankly horrifying designs have passed many senior heads to hit store shelves, much to our joy. But what are some of the worst ever created? Well, let’s find out. Here are the Top 10 worst pieces of Star Wars merchandise.

Number 10. C-3PO Nightlight

On the surface, literally, the nightlight version of everyone’s favourite humanoid robot seems like a handy device to counter a child’s fear of the dark. However, imagine that same child awoke in the middle of the night to see a glowing golden face bursting through their bedroom wall?! Yikes.

Number 09. Sarlacc Pit Toilet Transformation

This entry genuinely shocked me the most. If there’s one thing in your house you don’t want to decorate it’s the toilet. Why would anyone want to place stickers at the bottom and sides of their bog? It sounds like a disgusting and messy job. Also, imagine explaining the “hilarity” to any houseguests! Let’s just hope Boba Fett doesn’t crawl out…

Number 08. Chewbacca-Skin Rug

Father: Hey, son, look what I bought you!

Son: What is it, daddy?

Father: It’s a rug of your favourite Star Wars character.

Son: Wait, you skinned Chewbacca? *Cries*

Father: *Sigh* He’s so ungrateful!

Number 07. Star Wars: Episode III Air Sickness Bag

To promote the video game adaptation of Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, limited edition airplane barf bags were plastered with the game’s front cover. It’s safe to say that associating your product with sick is not a good marketing strategy.

Number 06. Wookiee Crocs

How do you make Crocs, arguably the ugliest shoes in the world, somewhat tolerable? By adding some fur and stickers of Chewbacca of course! Admittedly, these look incredibly comfy, but that’s just not worth losing your dignity over, I’m afraid.

Number 05. Star Wars Angry Birds Costume

A Princess Leia Angry Bird… What’s wrong with that? Why is this on the list? Oh, that’s why. That is truly horrifying. Why would any child wear that? Unless it’s actually some form of punishment:

Mother: Chloe, if you’re naughty again I’ll make you wear the Princess Leia Angry Birds costume!

Daughter: No… Please! I’ll be good. Honest!

Number 04. Yoda Magic 8 Ball

Released alongside The Empire Strikes Back, where the loveable little green guy made his first appearance in the Star Wars saga, the Yoda Magic 8 Ball allowed you to see into your future, just like Jedi Masters. However, at no point in the film was Yoda flipped upside down in order to extract his wisdom! And plus, think of how many just plain wrong connotations are attached to this thing…

Yoda: To see into your future, look under my robe you must!

Number 03. Slave Leia Perfume

Have you ever wanted to smell like a slave girl? An oppressed prisoner, forced against your will to serve the galaxy’s most notorious crime lord? No, I didn’t think so. I can see the value in a Princess Leia perfume, kinda, but this is just insulting.

Number 02. C-3PO Tape Dispenser

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a traditional tape dispenser. However, when you’re extracting sed tape from between the open legs of C-3PO, then there is absolutely everything wrong in the world with it. But as if C-3PO looking like he’s giving birth to tape was not bad enough, look at the droid’s face! That will forever haunt me. Also, what is it with C-3PO and creepy merch?

Honourable Mentions

Before we look at the worst and truly most terrifying piece of Star Wars merchandise ever, let’s take a look at some honourable, or I guess dishonourable mentions:

Dishonourable Mention 03. Darth Vader CD Player

This product initially doesn’t seem all that terrible. But just think about when someone inevitably fires in an ABBA CD, or, dare I say it, an S Club 7 album! Suddenly the Dark Lord of the Sith doesn’t seem so badass.

Dishonourable Mention 02. Star Wars Fishing Equipment

I admit it, turning a fishing rod into a lightsaber is pretty cool. But, this is arguably the most pointless Star Wars themed item in the world, when did we ever see fishing in the movies? Clearly some higher-up with all the brains in the world concluded that people like fishing and that people like them Star Wars films, so why not randomly combine the two and make some fat stacks?! This makes you wonder why the Star Wars merchandisers never struck a deal with Mars for the Galaxy chocolate bar, or anything space related for that matter…

Dishonourable Mention 01. R2-D2 Aquarium

Now, this may just be me, but surely carving out R2-D2’s insides to place a huge container of water seems like a bad idea, you know with R2 being a droid and all that. But, hey! You get to look at some nice fishies!

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

Number 01. Jar Jar Binks Tongue Sucker

Have you ever watched the Phantom Menace and thought: “Oh, boy! That tongue Jar Jar Binks obnoxiously waves around sure looks tasty!”? I really hope your answer there was no. But if you said yes, then you’ll love this product. At a simple push, kids and adults all around the globe were able to suck on Binks’ grotesque tongue. Just imagine trying to eat this, just how awkward it would look and uncomfortable it would be! If you do, for some bizarre reason, ever see and snack on this product again, just don’t make eye contact with either Binks or anyone else…

So there we have it, the top 10 worst Star Wars merchandise ever. Have you encountered any of the entries on today’s list? I sure hope not, but do let me know what other terrible Star Wars products you’ve seen before.

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